Sue: Oh, I’m sorry. I just realized that song might be the national anthem from whatever country you’re from.
Mike: That’s really offensive.

Sue: Becky, the special election to fill Ken “Heart Attack” Weigand’s congressional seat is in two months, and I am in ninth place at six percent, well behind “Undecided,” that rapist running from prison, and “I don’t care, please don’t call me during dinner.” I thought the people wanted a candidate who was for something. That’s why I took that pro-deportation stance. But the people are angry. They want a candidate who’s against something.
Becky: What about toast? Bread’s already been baked. I don’t get why you need to cook it again.
Sue: Oh, Becky, your twisted genius excites me. That said, I’m on the precipice of doom. I need to find something everyone hates.

FOX 2011 PROGRAMMING PRESENTATION:  Jane Lynch and Jenna Ushkowitz celebrates the FOX 2011 PROGRAMMING PRESENTATION in New York City on Monday, May 16.

Mr. Schue: Sue, hold on a second. Finn and Kurt told me that you agreed to let the Glee Club help out with your sister’s funeral, and I… I just wanted to say that we’re honored, and it takes a big person to reach out like that and ask for help.
Sue: I didn’t ask for help; They volunteered. And I only agreed on the condition that Frankenteen and Lady Trousers help me clean out Jean’s room at the nursing home. They look like they could use the exercise, and I like the idea of using your glee club as unpaid labor.
Mr. Schue: Sue, I know you’re going through a hard time right now. And despite our differences, I just, I just want you to know that you can lean on me if you need to.
Sue:  Oh, William, I wouldn’t dare lean on you. So much grease in your hair, I’d probably slide right off.

Sue:  So… why’d you bother doing this…Buying me flowers, comforting me…After I’ve actively made your life a living hell and enjoyed doing it?
Kurt: We both know what it’s like to lose someone really close to you.
Finn: I sort of do. My dad died when I was a baby.
Kurt: Yeah. His dad’s dead, and my mom’s dead.
Sue: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this? Not at all. ‘Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean’s things. And I won’t plan a funeral.
Kurt: Have you told your mother yet?
Sue: As far as I’m concerned, she said her good-byes to us years ago.
If you boys would really like to help me, you might start by explaining why it was her time and not mine. She’s the sweetest person I ever met. And as both of you can attest, I’m probably the meanest, so how come I’m the one still standing here talking to you?

Sue: You know, when we were younger, people always told me Jean wouldn’t live very long. Used to be that people with Down’s didn’t live past 30. But then she turned 35, and then 40, and when she turned 50, I thought, somehow, we might grow old together. Last week, she got pneumonia. Doctor said it wasn’t bad, and they put her on antibiotics. I was there with her and she told me to go home. At 2:00 A.M., I got the call that she had passed away in her sleep.

Mr. Schue: You are a terrible person. Becky was loyal to you, Sue. Becky was loyal to you, Sue. Cheerios! Gave her a sense of purpose, and then you just rip it away from her for no reason.
Sue: I’m going to be honest with you, Will.I do have a reason. She reminds me of my sister.
Mr. Schue: What does that have to do with anything? You love your sister.
Sue: I do, William, and she died yesterday.

Becky: Coach Sylvester’s gonna shout at ya.
Sue: Students, colleagues, indeed, colleagues, indeed, all who understand the Queen’s English… we all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly by a Glee Club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit. And there is, simply, but one person to blame. The alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester.
Will:  oh no …
Sue: Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism.
Will *on phone*: Hey there, sexy lady. There’s something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves, and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I’ve ever heard in my life. Why don’t you pick up some wine coolers, and come over here? And it’ll be just one night of us just getting crazy. Let’s just get crazy! Let’s get really crazy and roll around in the hay. I was just in some hay earlier tonight, and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.
Sue: Will Schuester? You’ve just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, it’s the very first step.

Sue: You know, Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid, even a human female.
Will: Treatment?
Sue: Alcoholics Anonymous, Will. I suggest you pre-emptively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic. I mean, come on. Look where you are. You’re coaching a Glee Club that can only beat choirs of old people. You’re rehashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances. And when my Glee Club crushes you at Regionals, well, the last ounce of meaning will drain from your life, and you will turn to drink.
Emma: I don’t get it. How is it that you’re now coaching a Glee Club?
Sue: I was so inspired by my stint in the Glee Club, that I took the trip to Westvale, and I volunteered my help. Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Aural Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs. *stairs scene* Not to be alarmed. Doctors say he will be fine. Provided they can get the swelling in his brain under control.
Emma: Okay, sorry. I still don’t understand. How can the school let you coach Aural Intensity?
Sue: Newsflash, Amelda. There’s no one lining up to coach Glee Clubs because it’s a sucky job for losers. But there was an opening, and I am a champion._
Oh, Will. Here’s the book by Bill W., outlining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.I can’t wait for you to start climbing those steps, because when you get to the top, I’m gonna knock you back down.